Hi all,
Things are good with us in our new abode. We are settling in nicely, got a few things on order and awaiting their delivery.... a dining table and chairs and a sofa bed. The dining table is arriving on Monday but the chairs apparently not until after Christmas?! Go figure! So we will be sitting on garden chairs while we have our Christmas lunch this year, not for the first time I have to say. I have also purchased a new mattress and have finally got curtains hanging in all of our rooms which makes the world of difference so all is ticking along very nicely for us. I am very content.
So content am I that, for the first time in 15 years, I paid little attention to the fact that is was the anniversary of my dear old Dad's passing. I didn't forget it but it wasn't my main focus of the day.
This time of year is full of difficult and sad memories for my family as, from November 11th - Dad's birthday - until Christmas we have the anniversaries of the deaths of Dad and Mum and their birthdays. We also have the anniversary of the passing of my mother in law and of Jonathan, one of the wonderful young men that I have worked with, who died within a day of each other 2 years ago this December.
It would not be right for me to blog about Jonathan. I did plenty of that last year when I had a separate blog when I was training to compete in the Silverstone Half Marathon in his memory. Anyone who read that blog, which is still available apparently, will know just how much he and his family meant to me. I could write about my dear mother in law and the debilitating illness that finally took her life almost 2 years ago but the pain is still too raw for people that loved her. However, I feel that it would not be inappropriate to write a little bit about my Mum and Dad who I loved and who I miss every day and I expect I always will.
My parents, although long divorced, still had a bond with each other that, I think, only comes when you have children together. They married when they were quite young. Mum was only 19 and Dad was 23. They had us in quick succession and, basically, outgrew each other and divorced. They both married again and had more children and were both very happy with their lives.
When Dad became ill with lung cancer it was a hard time for us all. He was diagnosed when he was 61 and died shortly after his 63rd birthday. Lung problems and cancer were rife in Dad's family and it turns out that Dad and his father died of exactly the same disease. I have both of their death certificates and the causes of death are the same on both.
Mum and Dad always cared about each other despite their differences and Dad's illness took as much toll on her as it did on us children. It was a very difficult time for us all...Dad's wife and family, us older children and Mum too not to mention Dad's remaining siblings and their families and Dad's friends.
The end of Dad's life was traumatic and something that I will never forget and the fallout from it all affected the family for a very long time. In fact, it still does from time to time. Relationships have been fractured and broken and now, after 15 years, will probably remain that way.
I miss my Dad very much still. He used to drive me crazy with his ultra laid back attitude to life but I loved to see him and I will always treasure the moments towards the end of his life when I used to pop in and see him and we'd just sit on the sofa and chat about silly things. Just being able to spend time with him was so important to me.
Now, Mum. My Mum who also used to drive me crazy! My Mum who really was my rock in the early years of myself being a mum to my poorly children and who rescued me from many a crisis.
Mum's demise was different to Dad's but similar in a way. We knew she was ill, very ill, but we weren't quite sure what was going to happen or when. I won't go into details...it's still very painful seven years later...but our family has not been the same since she left us.
I was really very angry for a long time with Mum for various reasons and it has taken me this long to get over myself and my selfish feelings and realise just how ill she was. I think she was ashamed of her illness and I think she was embarrassed, too embarrassed to accept help or to ask for it. It was hard for me to get close to her towards the end and I hated not being able to help her. She was terrified, I could see it in her eyes, and there was nothing anyone could do to help her. We just had to sit and wait.
Again, when push came to shove, I was completely hopeless and I wasn't able to cope with any of it. I felt a complete let down to my brothers and sisters who seemed to be dealing with things a lot better than me. When I should have been supporting them, I was shutting myself away and shutting down, unable to function on any level at times.
Over the past year or so I have overcome my anger with Mum for leaving us. It wasn't a choice that she made. She didn't want to die. She loved us. Family was what she was all about. My own feelings and emotions ran havoc in my head and affected me more than I realised for a long time but now I think of Mum and I smile. I am so like her in many ways as my own children point out to me on various occasions and boy, do I look like her! It's quite scary at times.
I'm sure that it's a 'rose coloured glasses' point of view but I do think that, generally, Mum and Dad did the best they could as parents and there is absolutely no doubt that they loved all of us in the best way that they could. They have left behind families that they would be very proud of. It's a constant sadness that they missed out on various family weddings and that they never lived to see all of their grandchildren and great grandchildren but I know they would be proud of each and every one of us.
So, at this poignant time of year for our family, I would just like to say 'thank you' and 'I love you' to my wonderful parents without whom I would not be the person I am today.
N.B. I have really tried to word this carefully and I sincerely hope that this blog entry will not upset or hurt anyone who reads it. To my brothers and sisters and to my step dad too, these are just my thoughts and feelings. I love you all very much and I would never upset you deliberately.
The next entry will be more upbeat I promise!!
Much love to all
xxxx
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