Mental Health Memories

Hi folks,

I'm sitting here at the dining table after a relatively healthy evening meal which included cauliflower couscous (yes, really!) and the rain is hammering down on the conservatory roof as it has been doing pretty much all day. I have been out with the dogs twice, got soaked twice and the dogs are still drying off 2 hours later. My coat is soaked through and is currently hanging off of a window latch to dry. There is a pool of water beneath it. My trousers are draped over the radiator and the heating is on. Oh, days like these are pretty miserable aren't they?

However, on Friday I will be in Madrid where the weather forecast is a much happier prospect. I gather 27 degrees is the predicted temperature and abundant sunshine is the phrase that has been used to describe how conditions will be on the day we arrive. Bring it on! I shall soon be off to pack shorts, t shirts and flip flops and I can't wait. We are really going to see a Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band concert but thought we would make a proper weekend break of it so it should be great.

Sunshine and sangria with the odd tapas thrown in will be most welcome.

Life has continued in its usual haphazard fashion and the days fly by as usual. Hubby has been away quite a lot which is normal  but frustrating when there is so much going on that I would like to talk to him about. All of the grandchildren continue to make progress from the nearly 7 year old down to the little 4 month olds. I adore all of them. My 'children' continue to progress and adjust as their lives continually change and provide their own challenges whether it's worries about health, worries about parenting, worries about future plans or worries about jobs. It's what makes life interesting I guess. I just want to be there for them to support them whenever and however I can and I will do so for as long as I can.

The events of the last few weeks have made me think back to how much my life has changed. Whenever anyone has any kind of mental health issues it is a scary time...either for the person themselves if they are aware of it and/or for their family and friends.
My own experiences of mental health problems over the years have taught me a lot. When at my worst I felt unloved, unloveable, alone, scared, vulnerable, weak and pathetic. I didn't eat because I wasn't hungry but didn't realise it and so I lost a lot of weight quickly which made me think that there was something wrong with me and that I was dying. Typical catastrophic thinking.  I couldn't sleep because my mind was always alert and vigilant for any possible threat or danger. I couldn't think clearly because I was so tired. I felt guilty because I couldn't function properly. I felt that no-one understood me and I felt entirely alone. I know that this was untrue. I was surrounded by people who loved me and wanted to help me but I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.

When you feel like this it is so very hard to know what to do. I think that I just started to shut down. I pushed away the people who loved me. I took umbrage at everything that anyone would say. I couldn't see a way out of the mess that I had become. I was scared to be alone with my children because I was scared of being responsible for them if anything went wrong...which it did from time to time.
My GP came to the house on one occasion because I was too scared to leave my home. I wasn't agoraphobic but I think I was probably well on the way to being so and I have been that way several times since. I was convinced that I was a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad sister and, above all, a bad mother and I didn't know what to do. Medication and rest were prescribed for exhaustion at various times through my adult life when times have been hard.

I do think that I am much more aware of myself and how I feel inside these days and I can certainly feel it when anxiety starts to rear its ugly head. I try to keep things in perspective and I try to remain calm although this is not always easy for me. My 'children' who are now adults themselves know me very well and are aware if I start to wobble. I don't really like the fact that they feel that they have to look out for me but I truly appreciate the fact that they know me so well and that they care so much for me and my wellbeing.

I have not taken any kind of medication for my mental health for a long time now which really shows me how far I have come on the road to wellbeing and stability in my head. I'm sure that I will always feel second best, that I haven't done enough, that I'm not quite good enough but that is just me and the type of personality that I have. I can't change that and, believe me, I have tried!

So, here I am, relatively happy and healthy in my own skin and my own head with a life that a lot of people would be very envious of. I appreciate what I have every single day.

xxxxx

Don't Worry. Be Happy!

Hi everyone.

Another week passes me by and I wonder what on earth I have achieved in those 7 days. I'm sure it's the same for most of us...we get up each day, have a list of things to do, we are lucky if we achieve half of what we intended, other stuff happens to throw us off track, we get to the end of the day and fall into bed feeling irritated to have not achieved all that we planned and then we get up the next day and start all over again. It's sometimes so hard to stay focussed and positive and not beat ourselves up when what we should really be doing is telling ourselves that we have done a great job...we have lived another day, we have had more experiences, we have smiled and laughed and probably cried and worried, but we have lived another day and that is nothing but positive. What we get out of each day is really up to us.

I have to own up to this last week of mine being not the best. Don't get me wrong, I have done a lot. I have seen friends and family, had cuddles with babies and walked my dogs. The sun has had it's hat on and we experienced a glorious weekend of sunshine. We had barbecue dinners three days in a row. Good times.

However, as a Mum and a Nanny, it's really hard to not be affected when any of your loved ones are having a very difficult time and you feel unable to offer any solution.

I have found this last week - more than any time over the last 4 months - very difficult as we, as a family, have tried to rally round and support a family that we all love very much. As usual, it is so very hard to keep this kind of thing impersonal but this is my blog and it's about my life. My life is affected by the issues and struggles that affect anyone that I love and care about.

Seeing someone who is a part of you have such a hard time through no fault of their own is heartbreaking. As a Mum all you want to do is make it better. As a Nanny you just want the pain and the sickness to stop. I can do neither of those things. All I, or any of us can do, is be there when we are needed, offer support and love and try to keep things in perspective. Not easy when you have a mind like mine and have had the experiences that I have had.

However, bad days are usually followed by less bad, or even better, days and that has been the case so far. Things seem a little more positive all round which is marvellous.

Apologies, if required, for the vagueness of this post. After being much too personal in the past I have tried to keep things impersonal as far as I can. I know this will make for fairly dull reading but that's how it is for this post at least!

A xxxx

Salzburg, Marathon, Sound of Music, Birthday....a brief round up!

Good morning.

It's 5 am, I have been awake for hours following a lovely relaxing birthday day and my mind is doing its usual thing.....worrying and fretting, overthinking and pondering. Instead of tossing and turning I thought it best just to get on with this blog post which is another thing that has been playing on my mind. I haven't blogged on this site for 3 weeks which is very remiss of me. There has been a lot going on but that's really no excuse so brace yourselves for a round up of the highlights of my life over the past few weeks.

First up, my middle daughter and her husband took part in the Brighton marathon in the middle of April. It was their first marathon experience and they both completed the challenge and are now applying for London marathon places for next year. They have also both signed up for Brighton again as well so I feel it's safe to say that they have got the running bug. I'm very proud of them both for achieving their goal and delighted that my London marathon experience of 10 years ago served as some kind of inspiration for my daughter.

Next up, several weeks ago I went with youngest daughter to London where we attended a wedding fair at the Excel centre. We met up with one of her best friends there which was lovely as I hadn't met him before but had heard lots about him. He was exactly as I expected him to be and is obviously a very good friend who knows my daughter very well. It was really god to spend time with them both doing something different.

My daughter had booked VIP tickets to the show so, as a consequence, we drank prosecco, had good seats for the catwalk show, got a goody bag each and ate free cake! What's not to love? After the catwalk experience my daughter was approached to be interviewed about her thoughts and experience of the event and so she and her friend were miked up,recorded and filmed. Somewhere online there will be proof I am sure!

I have managed to get to the beach hut a couple of times which has been wonderful. I finally donned a wetsuit for the first time in my life and went to a very brief swim in the sea. It was flipping freezing but it was worth it. I also took myself to the hut after a stressful week...in fact I was ordered to go there for my own well-being!... and had a blissful time listening to music, drinking tea, eating toast and getting my head together. 

I've been trampolining with my son, another activity that I haven't participated in in many a year. It was exhausting but fun and all part of the exercise regime that I am desperately trying to keep to. Trying different activities is actually fun and I'm enjoying the challenge. I'm also still swimming once a week - yes, it should be more, I know - as part of the training for our triathlon challenge which is approaching fast. I think it's 4 weeks away now. 

The triathlon fundraising is going amazingly well and I now have a raffle to organise as well because I have had offers and donations of prizes that have quite overwhelmed me. There will be more news of this once the all of the details are finalised. For now though, please go to my triathlon blog: 

https://triathlonforphoebeandsam.wordpress.com 

 and/or our fundraising page for latest information.

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/phoebeandsam

Oh, and I should also mention that one of my very favourite singer/songwriters tweeted our fundraising page details for us as well. Thank you Mr Frank Turner, you wonderful man!

On a more sombre note, and since I last blogged here, the world has lost two more great artists - the wonderful Victoria Wood and the hugely talented Prince. Victoria Wood was supremely talented in my opinion. She could write, sing and act. she came across as a lovely, private person. I remember watching her TV shows back in the 80's with Mum and crying with laughter. As for Prince, what is there to say? He was a one off, an original. His music, while not the soundtrack to my life, has always been on my radar. His tracks regularly pop up on my ipad. When we moved house I was compelled to throw away a load of old CDs that I no longer played. I kept the Prince ones. 

One of the most lovely things about the last few weeks is that youngest daughter and I went to Salzburg! We had the best time. The weather was fabulous, the people were friendly, our hotel was great, we ate pretzels and strudel , drank beer and went on The Sound of Music tour which was absolutely brilliant and something that I have wanted to do in a very long time. It was a joy to experience it with my daughter who loves the musical as much as I do. At times I found it all a little emotional as we sat on the coach and were driven past lakes and mountains with the soundtrack playing. I was transported back to watching the film with Mum when I was a child. I know she would have loved that tour.

And finally, phew, my birthday which was yesterday. I can't believe that I'm 56 and a nanny of 6. What a lucky, lucky lady I am. On Friday, and as a start of the Bank holiday  and birthday weekend, we went to see American Idiot, the musical based on the album of the same name by Green Day. the album was massive back in the day and I think all of my kids had a copy of it as did my hubby. I got tickets for the family to go and see the group live as surprise Christmas presents years ago and the concert that we went to is still one of the best I have ever seen. The band played the whole album from start to finish and it was brilliant. Anyway, back to the musical...I was unsure what to expect but I knew that the show had got awards and great reviews when it was first released.Well, I have to say that I really enjoyed it. I hadn't heard any Green Day music for a very long time but when I heard it again on Friday night I remembered just how good they were.

Yesterday, my actual birthday, was spent initially feeling ropey after a few glasses of wine the night before but then progressed to a lovely barbecue brunch that I had organised at the local country park. I hired the barbecue area and invited family and friends to come along and it was lovely. The weather could have been nicer but it didn't rain. There was bacon, sausages, hot dogs, rolls, fruit juice and sauces aplenty. Loads of people came with various dogs and children and it was wonderful. I have more flowers than I know what to do with and I have run out of room for my cards. I told you.....very, very lucky indeed. Thanks to all who were part of my day in any way at all.

That's a very brief round up of what's been happening while I've been away. Life is good. It's not always without it's struggle but life is good.

xxxxxx