Mental Health Memories

Hi folks,

I'm sitting here at the dining table after a relatively healthy evening meal which included cauliflower couscous (yes, really!) and the rain is hammering down on the conservatory roof as it has been doing pretty much all day. I have been out with the dogs twice, got soaked twice and the dogs are still drying off 2 hours later. My coat is soaked through and is currently hanging off of a window latch to dry. There is a pool of water beneath it. My trousers are draped over the radiator and the heating is on. Oh, days like these are pretty miserable aren't they?

However, on Friday I will be in Madrid where the weather forecast is a much happier prospect. I gather 27 degrees is the predicted temperature and abundant sunshine is the phrase that has been used to describe how conditions will be on the day we arrive. Bring it on! I shall soon be off to pack shorts, t shirts and flip flops and I can't wait. We are really going to see a Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band concert but thought we would make a proper weekend break of it so it should be great.

Sunshine and sangria with the odd tapas thrown in will be most welcome.

Life has continued in its usual haphazard fashion and the days fly by as usual. Hubby has been away quite a lot which is normal  but frustrating when there is so much going on that I would like to talk to him about. All of the grandchildren continue to make progress from the nearly 7 year old down to the little 4 month olds. I adore all of them. My 'children' continue to progress and adjust as their lives continually change and provide their own challenges whether it's worries about health, worries about parenting, worries about future plans or worries about jobs. It's what makes life interesting I guess. I just want to be there for them to support them whenever and however I can and I will do so for as long as I can.

The events of the last few weeks have made me think back to how much my life has changed. Whenever anyone has any kind of mental health issues it is a scary time...either for the person themselves if they are aware of it and/or for their family and friends.
My own experiences of mental health problems over the years have taught me a lot. When at my worst I felt unloved, unloveable, alone, scared, vulnerable, weak and pathetic. I didn't eat because I wasn't hungry but didn't realise it and so I lost a lot of weight quickly which made me think that there was something wrong with me and that I was dying. Typical catastrophic thinking.  I couldn't sleep because my mind was always alert and vigilant for any possible threat or danger. I couldn't think clearly because I was so tired. I felt guilty because I couldn't function properly. I felt that no-one understood me and I felt entirely alone. I know that this was untrue. I was surrounded by people who loved me and wanted to help me but I couldn't see it. I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything.

When you feel like this it is so very hard to know what to do. I think that I just started to shut down. I pushed away the people who loved me. I took umbrage at everything that anyone would say. I couldn't see a way out of the mess that I had become. I was scared to be alone with my children because I was scared of being responsible for them if anything went wrong...which it did from time to time.
My GP came to the house on one occasion because I was too scared to leave my home. I wasn't agoraphobic but I think I was probably well on the way to being so and I have been that way several times since. I was convinced that I was a bad wife, a bad daughter, a bad sister and, above all, a bad mother and I didn't know what to do. Medication and rest were prescribed for exhaustion at various times through my adult life when times have been hard.

I do think that I am much more aware of myself and how I feel inside these days and I can certainly feel it when anxiety starts to rear its ugly head. I try to keep things in perspective and I try to remain calm although this is not always easy for me. My 'children' who are now adults themselves know me very well and are aware if I start to wobble. I don't really like the fact that they feel that they have to look out for me but I truly appreciate the fact that they know me so well and that they care so much for me and my wellbeing.

I have not taken any kind of medication for my mental health for a long time now which really shows me how far I have come on the road to wellbeing and stability in my head. I'm sure that I will always feel second best, that I haven't done enough, that I'm not quite good enough but that is just me and the type of personality that I have. I can't change that and, believe me, I have tried!

So, here I am, relatively happy and healthy in my own skin and my own head with a life that a lot of people would be very envious of. I appreciate what I have every single day.

xxxxx