So, here I am at work, thinking about my life and thinking about what I've done and what I've yet to do. I'm trying to get my thoughts together in one place, go through them and get rid of the ones that are negative. It's not as easy as it sounds.
I have just started a 6 week course of cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) which is designed to help me deal with my anxiety and stress and, as always seems the case with things like this, my thoughts are all over the place and are also coming thick and fast and in no particular order!
At the moment, I feel less stressed than I have for a very long time and I feel able to cope with most things. However, I know that that can all change in an instant and has done so many, many times before.
However, I have a strange sense of calmness within me which is hard to describe and which I am not used to. I am much more used to 'running on empty' and keeping going until I can't physically do anymore.
Now, I'm sure that the medication I take daily has helped enormously, but I also feel like I have changed but I don't know why. It's very odd. Yes, things are relatively calm on the home and family front which always helps but I feel like it's more my attitude to things that has changed and not my situation.
I want to plan for the future but I want to live now. I want to do things that I have been putting off for years because of anxiety or financial burdens or laziness or a combination of all three. As the saying goes, I want to work to live not live to work. I want my life the way that I want it and not how other people think it should be. I am as entitled to my opinion as anyone else and it doesn't matter if I don't agree with people all of the time. As long as I don't hurt people in any way then I don't see why I shouldn't do what I want.
Oooh, reading that bit back is already making me cringe....I want, I want, I want!! I sound like a self obsessed, selfish child but surely everyone has things that they want. I'm not big on possessions and money. If there is money to be spent I will spend it but if there isn't any money then I'm no sadder because of it. I actually quite enjoy the challenge of making do and I have done so many, many times over the years. I appreciate everything that I have and I love the people in my life. If I can help anyone then I will but I have often done this to the detriment of myself. I have had to force myself to say 'no' and I find that difficult. I don't want to upset anyone but, really, I have to start putting myself first.
I am now 54. I am in good health, which I am eternally grateful for. I have loving friends and family and I am a good person. I genuinely think that I easy to please. It doesn't take much to make me happy. However, having said that, it doesn't take much to make me mad either! But I love gestures of kindness, both receiving and giving. I try to keep in contact with people I care about on a regular basis, either by text, email, letter or phone call, although the phone call bit I find intimidating and always have. I am delighted that there is e-mail but actually I'm a big fan of the written word. I love writing and receiving letters. I know it can be time consuming to sit and write a letter and post it when you could fire off an email in a couple of minutes but, oh the joy of getting a handwritten letter through the letterbox unexpectedly!
I think I am going to make a list of places I want to go and things that I want to experience...a sort of bucket list I suppose... and see how many I achieve before the end of the year. Mind you, I have made those lists before and then something crops up and I'm not able to do them for one reason or another. However, as I said earlier in this post, I do feel different. I'm not about hand in my notice and travel around the world, however amazing that sounds, but I am going to make changes and I am going to be positive and I am going to do what I want to do.
Wow, you see what I mean about my thoughts being all over the place?! This is all good and I'm in a positive frame of mind. I really hope it continues. If the CBT sessions give me the tools to be able to deal with my anxiety before it gets out of hand then I will be absolutely thrilled. I'm prepared to give it my best shot, do the work and get the results that I know I can achieve.
I'm a little bit fed up of being the 'yes' lady, the one that doesn't make a fuss, the one that is a pushover and the one who sits quietly in the corner feeling embarrassed. While a lot of those things are just me and the way that I am, some of them can be changed and it is going to take some real effort for me to change it but I feel that I will be able to do so.
I know...blah ,blah, blah,.... I'm sure a lot of people reading this will be thinking 'what a load of old drivel' and 'here she goes again'... but there you go. I can't help what people think of me. As long as I am happy in my own skin, which I haven't been for so long, then I know I'm going to be ok.
Have a happy day everyone. I'm off to write a list and make plans!!!
xxxx
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