Social Anxiety Agonies

Hi everyone,

I hope this post finds you well and happy and ready to enjoy the bank holiday weekend whatever the weather may throw your way. It's pretty gloomy here at the moment but at least it's stopped raining so I should be able to walk the dog without having to resort to waterproofs, wellies and an umbrella!

Some of you may have read earlier posts where I mentioned that I am having a course of CBT at the moment and this post has been prompted by my last session really. Now, it will be self indulgent and about me so I hope that you won't think it too needy. I also hope that it's not too personal. I am prone to wearing my heart on my sleeve and I know that it's not everyone's cup of tea so please don't read on if you feel that it might make you uncomfortable or embarrassed - although I'm not sure why it would really.

Anyway, my CBT was originally prescribed because of my anxiety and panic issues that have been part of my life for ever it seems. My last session included filling out a quick response sheet to how I would react in various social situations such as attending parties and so on. I found myself smiling after I had seen the first question because I knew that I was going to score highly and high scores in this case means high anxiety! My heart was pounding and my hands were sweating by the time I finished the tick boxes and it only took me a minute or so to do. The end result was that my social anxiety is off the scale. Well, who knew?!?!

Actually, I think anyone that knows me will know that straight away but to actually realize that what I struggle with, and have for years, isn't 'just' shyness but a psychological condition that can go hand in hand with panic was a relief in a way. There is actually a label for how I feel. It's not 'just me'.

My panic tends to happen at times of acute stress or after a build up of unresolved stresses but the social anxiety is actually something different apparently.
My homework for this week was to sit down and come up with a list of situations that I have tried, or do try, to avoid because they make me feel incredibly uncomfortable, scared or panicky and I started to write a list when I went to bed last night.
Initially, I thought of a couple of such times - both funerals that were not funerals of family members but of friends or colleagues- where I felt that I ought to go to pay my respects but when it came to it I went into the service through one door and exited through another almost immediately because the sense of dread and panic was overwhelming and I didn't want to make a fool of myself by getting hysterical. After those two incidences, I made it my policy to always stand at the back of any funeral service so that I could get out quickly if I needed to.
Just typing that makes me feel stressed and a bit pathetic.

Then my list started to grow as I came up with more and more situations that I would rather avoid than face. The list goes something like this:

1. Leaving a Frank Turner concert after getting some very distressing news....and I LOVE Frank Turner...because I was scared. My heart was racing and I felt sick and panic-stricken. I spent most of my time in the loo trying to calm down and even considered taking myself to the St. John's crew that were on standby.
2. Leaving my Mum to deal with my daughter after she had a choking episode and had to be taken to hospital. I was too scared to go and see her after the drama was over and my Mum had to stay because I couldn't.
3. Avoiding taking any of my children to hospital for anything other than routine appointments. Any emergency admissions or surgeries filled me with dread. I would also avoid visiting them in case something happened to them while I was there.
4.As a secondary school pupil, having a dreaded fear of daily whole school assemblies because somebody near me might faint or be sick. I actually got myself in such a state on several occasions that I would leave the assembly half way through because I thought I was going to be ill.
5.When I started primary school, when I was 5 years old, I used to run out of the school and run home - our house was 5 minutes away and no roads to cross! I'd sit on the backdoor step until Mum found me and then she would take me back to school. I'm not sure how that problem was resolved!
6.When we have family get togethers or parties at our house I will always be in the kitchen keeping busy or tidying up, desperately trying to avoid interaction in case I make a fool of myself.
7. When my son got very drunk and had to be collected from town I couldn't go and get him. Hubby went and dealt with it all while I sat on my bed with my fingers in my ears  humming loudly so that I couldn't hear what was going on.
8.Even now, if I go to the cinema or theatre, I always have a seat at the end of a row if at all possible so that I have an easy escape route. Sitting next to someone that I don't know makes me feel extremely self conscious and uncomfortable.
9. I have been sat in my car at a set of traffic lights in town and panicked so much that I have been on the verge of getting out of my car and leaving it there. That was a very scary episode. Quite how I managed to stay in the car and then drive home is a complete mystery.
10. I once had to walk the dog and wasn't having a very good time and I remember putting him on the lead, bracing myself to take him out, getting to the end of the road and then feeling so scared that I ran home and went to bed.
11. I once left work mid-morning when I suddenly felt that I couldn't stay there anymore. I just walked out of my office and drove home without a word to anyone and I worked in a school with children! I later emailed school form the safety of my bed and told them what I had done.
12. When both my mother in law and my ex mother in law suffered nasty falls I went with hubby to sort them out but couldn't stay with them and waited outside for the ambulance to arrive on each occasion instead of comforting them.
13.When my Dad was terminally ill and I visited him in hospital and he had taken a very bad turn for the worse I was so terrified at what was going on that I couldn't make myself stay there and I ran out of the hospital and drove to my Mum. I regret that to this day.
14. Similarly, when Mum was in the last stages of her illness I found it so difficult to stay with her. In the end I would make myself stay for 5 minutes and then I would always have a reason to leave.

It's quite a list, isn't it? And when I read it I feel ashamed. I have no idea why I am like I am. I know that I am better than I was but if a stressful situation arose would I revert to type and just run away from the situation? I really don't know. There are times when I can't run away, I can't avoid the panic and fear and I always get through them but I hate how it makes me feel.
I doubt myself in every situation. I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable with everything about myself if I'm honest and yet I know I'm a nice person, a good person. I just feel like a freak!

So, there you are. That's me and my issues out in the open. Let's hope that the therapy helps!!!

Happy days!

xxxxx