Another week means another blog post.
Sometimes I find it really, really difficult to not write about how I feel about things and, while this blog is about me and my life, I am always aware that I need to keep things that are personal fairly vague and on a certain level.
There is always so much going on in the periphery of my life that involves me up to a point. That is why I am always at risk of blurting stuff out via this blog and why I have to take a deep breath before I write anything in the heat of the moment or when I am feeling particularly upset or cross. I am neither of those things at the moment so all should be ok!
This past week has been another of highs and lows. I attended a funeral, I had fish and chips in the wind and rain at the beach hut, my daughter had a whole week of not throwing up due to her pregnancy, my son came to stay overnight and I bathed the dogs after a fashion....well, the little one went in the sink and the big one had to be hosed outside....but they both smell much sweeter for it for now. Hubby and I met for lunch with his brothers to celebrate a birthday and we also went to various final resting places of our parents on Remembrance Sunday to say 'hello' to them all. Not mad at all!
This time of year is always a little tricky for the family as it means that the anniversaries and several birthdays are looming of loved ones who are no longer with us including Mum, Dad, mother in law and father in law.
Dad died in 1998 and he is the first one I think of in November. He was born on November 11th (Armistice Day) and this year he would have been 80. He died when he was 63 and I have great difficulty thinking of how he would look in his 80's. Poppy Day is a constant reminder of him each year.
A week or so later is the anniversary of his death - November 20th - and then 2 days later - November 22nd - would have been father in law's 86th birthday and this is our first year without him on his special day.
December 2nd is the anniversary of Mum's death and 3 days later - December 5th - sees the anniversary of mother in law's passing. December 6th would have been Mum's 76th birthday and December 9th was her Mum's (our Nan's birthday). Add to that the anniversaries of funerals that go with the above and you may be able to see why this can be a tough time of year for us as a family if we think about it too much or for too long.
In the past I have been guilty of doing exactly that - of dredging up all of the emotional drama of the events and making myself feel anxious, unhappy and stressed. Along with that goes mood swings, the drinking to remember and then drinking to forget. Recalling the fallings out and the sadness. the anger and the pain. Basically making myself relive it all over again.
It's obvious to me now, as I look back with a clearer mind and with the undoubted assistance of therapy and friends, that I was doing nothing but making myself feel a hundred times worse than I already did but at all of the times when I did any of the above I think it was because I just desperately missed my Mum and my Dad. But then don't we all when we lose our parents? We don't all behave as I did however.
Hindsight and experience are great things. Which of us would not like to be able to change things that we have done or said that we regret? I guess the most important thing for us to do is to learn from the things that we wish we hadn't done and move on.
Yes, even at my age (55!), I am still learning from my mistakes. For me, at emotionally difficult times - and I can't think of much more of an emotionally difficult time than when someone you love is dying or dies - I know in my heart of hearts that I have let people (and myself) down with my actions and my words...or sometimes lack of them. I know that I have upset and hurt people, people I love and care for, people that are some of the closest in the world to me, often without meaning to or without realising, and usually because I was too wrapped up in my own grief and pain.
Now, I can't say that I won't ever do it again because I never know how I am going to react in difficult times but I do think that I am currently more emotionally stable than I have ever been and I feel that I most definitely more in control of my actions and words.I feel strong. Let's hope things continue this way.
And so, on that note, I will be remembering my parents and my in laws with love and affection over the next few weeks as their special dates come around. I know that I will never stop missing my Mum and Dad, will never stop wishing that I could see them, talk to them, hug them one more time and hear their laughter but such is life. I'm proud to be their daughter, their daughter in law, and I'm proud to be me.
Thanks for reading this ramble. I'm not quite sure where it came from but I was obviously feeling it!
xxxxx
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