Forever Friends

Hi everyone.

Today's update is about friends, simple as that.

I am truly fortunate to have very good friends - fantastic friends - who I love dearly and who I would do anything for.

When I was young it seemed that everyone had more friends than me. I used be get so upset about it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I was the classic ugly duckling. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I was taller than most of the people, especially girls, my age. I had bigger feet and hands than most of them too. I was freckly, gangly and generally 'not normal'. Add to this the fact that I was incredibly, cripplingly shy and self conscious and you may have some idea of how I felt for a lot of my school life.
I didn't excel at anything at school. I enjoyed English and the written word but was actually terrified of maths. The very thought of a maths lesson was enough to make me break out into a sweat.

Ah...sweat! There's another thing that I found traumatising. Girls aren't supposed to sweat. I sweated a lot and the more embarrassed I got about it the worse it got. Antiperspirants didn't work. To be honest, I have never found one that does! Then, of course, came the red blotchiness that first started happening in my late teenage years when I was embarrassed or anxious and which still gives me problems to this day. A nice, demure rosy glow was never going to be for me. No, in times of anxiety or stress I develop burning red cheeks and then a hot red rash that starts around my neck and then spreads up to my face and down to my chest and my upper arms. This also happens when I drink alcohol which is a bit annoying.

Anyway, all of these things conspired to make me feeling isolated, abnormal and alone. I made friends with people but never really felt worthy of their friendship. I often felt that people would only talk to me because they felt sorry for me and not because they liked me.
All of this self doubt made life very difficult at times. I spent a lot of time trying to work out how to fit in. I was jealous of my sister who was gorgeous and popular and who had  lots of friends. I compared myself negatively to everyone.

I've just read that back and, although it sounds sad, that is exactly how I felt for a lot of the time.

Anyway, social anxiety started to creep in and basically took over my life. I was too scared to go anywhere where I might have to talk to people. I felt people were looking at me and feeling sorry for me or, even worse, laughing at me and how I looked. Sadly, I still get that feeling from time to time. I'm very much better than I used to be but I know it's always going to be a bit of a problem from time to time.

But....I do have friends and, despite my youth and my awkwardness, my closest friends are friends that I met when I was at school. Quite amazingly, I have known  my bestie since we were 5....that's 50 years! We were in the same year at primary school. I have another wonderful friend that I have known since we were 11.

These days, and as we all learn when we get older but which is hard to accept when you are young, I know that it's not the number of friends that you have but the quality of your friendships that is so important.
 I cannot imagine my life without my friends. We have been there for each other through so many life events.... our marriages,the births of our children, the marriages of our children, the births of our grandchildren and the deaths of parents. We have laughed together and cried together. My friends have been rock solid in their support for me and of me. When I have been so immersed in a stressful situation that I can't think clearly, my friends have listened to me go on and on and then offered a shoulder for me to cry on. They have also offered advice and help in more ways than I can list. I hope that they feel that I have been able to offer similar to them.

I wish I was able to go back and speak to that shy, awkward, excruciatingly self-conscious lanky girl that I used to be and just tell her not to worry, tell her that she's not 'abnormal', tell her that she is loved and that everything is going to be ok....but I don't think she would believe me!

So, to my wonderful friends...you know who you are if you read this....thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done for me. I love you more than you know and my life is all the better for you being a part of it.

Until next time....

xxxxx