Sitting on my sofa feeling a bit fragile is probably not the the ideal position to be blogging from but that's how it is for me today. As I was at home last night for the only night out of five I decided to chill out after I finished my late shift and have a glass of wine. I received a call from my son asking if I could pick him up from town and, being the soft touch that I am, I agreed. On our way home we stopped at the local convenience store and picked up a bottle of wine to share. When we got home we played music and drank the wine in next to no time it seemed. Son rang his Dad who was on his way home from work and asked him to pick up another bottle. Dad agreed and so our evening went on for longer than expected and I drank more than my fair share vino. Hence the headache and general 'blurgh' feeling today!
I have a testing relationship with alcohol. When I was younger - in my 30's and 40's - I thought nothing of staying up long into the night singing and dancing and generally felt no aftereffects. I have also used alcohol as a relaxant, like many people I suspect, to ease me into social situations and so on. These days, more than a glass and a half of wine usually gives me a dreadful migraine/headache for the following 24 hours at least.
It took me a long time to associate the migraines with the alcohol. I know that sounds pathetic but it's the truth. I was also in denial about the amount I was drinking and how it was affecting me generally. The penny finally dropped when I realised that I was feeling rough most days and that I was drinking most days as well.
Alcohol has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. My Nan used to take us to the Legion at weekends, lunchtimes and evenings sometimes, where she would play bingo and have several glasses of Guinness. She said that the Guinness was good for. She was also partial to hot milk with a drop of brandy added to it before she went to bed.
Mum and Dad used to socialise at the local pub at the bottom of our road and many times the pub closed and lots of people would come back to our house and their evening would continue. Mum used to enjoy a gin and orange on a Friday/Saturday night. Dad didn't particularly drink at home but went to the pub or the local working mens club very often. These were in the days when pubs only opened for a couple of hours at lunch time and closed early on a Sunday night.
The demon drink became even more of an issue for my family when Mum started drinking heavily. Mum loved a glass of wine and she was a sociable person who enjoyed nothing more than sitting and chatting with glass in hand. She loved a gathering and would be the perfect hostess, providing guests with lovely food, nice drinks and a comfortable environment. Sadly, as she grew older and her mobility started to be a problem, her drinking gradually started to impact on her life. She wasn't able to work, she didn't drive and she had moved away from her friends and family to live by the sea so she spent a lot of time on her own.
Alcohol started to affect Mum's deepest relationships and she became ill. I don't know how many times that she went to rehab or how many times she ended up in hospital. All I knew was that my Mum wasn't 'my Mum' anymore. She changed from being supportive and outgoing to being bitter and unhappy. I found it impossible to talk to her. She started upsetting people and she started lying. I would imagine that all of those things are consistent with someone with an addiction and that's what she had. Mum was an alcoholic and there was little any of us could do to help her. No matter how we tried, how we begged, she wasn't able to stop herself and she became more and more ill.
Mum's liver, and her body in general, was not able to tolerate the abuse she was giving it and she made her last trip to hospital at the end of November 2007. She was diagnosed with liver failure due to alcohol and she died about a week later just a few days before her 68th birthday.
There is obviously so much more to Mum's story and her life than the alcohol and I fully intend to pay tribute to her and her achievements on this blog at a later date. However, the end of Mum's life was a traumatic time for us all and I, for one, have found it very difficult to move on, or at least get past, what happened to her. I have been, and still can be, really angry with her for leaving us, and I sometimes find it hard to find happy memories but time is a healer and all that.
So, alcohol and me....a testing relationship in deed.
And, on that note, I will sign off for now.
Peace and happiness to you all.
xxxxxx
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