When You Try Your Best But You Don't Succeed

Forgive this personal blog post. It's been a quite an emotional couple of weeks for various reasons and I am left feeling drained, upset, full of self doubt and remorse and questioning everything I feel in case it's not justifiable. I know this will pass, this feeling always does, but at the moment I can't sleep, even though I'm really tired. I fall asleep only to wake up a couple of hours later with my thoughts racing around all over the place. I'm hopeful that by getting my feelings and thoughts down 'on paper' so to speak, my head will be a little clearer and I might get some rest.

Several things have happened that I can't/won't go into but I have been left questioning  my thought processes, my actions and my parenting 'skills' or lack of them! You know the feeling....you can't do right for doing wrong or something like that. I want to help but I don't want to interfere, I want to advise but not tell people what to do, I want to tell everyone what I think and feel but don't want to upset anyone. I am full of self doubt, full of anger, full of frustration and full of concern.

I'm told that 'everything will work out', that 'everything will be ok', that I worry too much, that the issues that I see shouldn't concern me, that it's not my problem but when these things involve your family it's incredibly difficult not to want to step in and try to make things better, to ease the burden, to share concerns.

I often feel completely helpless when I see people struggling. I know that I often overstep the mark and get too involved or, conversely, don't do enough and I just can't seem to get the balance right. If I get too involved I am interfering, being judgemental and if I stay away I am perceived as not caring. The whole thing makes me feel so inadequate and misunderstood.

I thought that having children with special needs was hard work but I am learning that having a grandchild with special needs is equally tough. I thought that once your children grew up and became adults that things would be more straightforward, that relationships would be less strained but that is not proving to be the case. I assumed a lot and I realise that that was a mistake. 

Even now, when all of my children are grown up and living their own lives and making their own choices, I can still be astounded by things that I learn about them and their behaviour. They have all done wonderful things and are all capable of being fantastic and I know that is what I should remember.....that they do have good in them and that they can be kind and loving people ..... but then things happen and I am left wondering if it can possibly be all my fault? Are the mistakes that my children make really down to me as a parent? I'm not sure why I feel so responsible. Maybe that's just how it is when you are a parent and you want the best for child. 

I am aware that I am rambling on a bit here about non specific things which is probably not making for very interesting reading. As I implied at the start of this update, I am almost using this as a dumping ground for my thoughts and feelings in an effort to clear my head and get some sleep but I'm not sure if that is going to work.

All I can really do is be me and, from time to time, I'm not so sure that being 'me' is enough. 

Xxxxx