When You Try Your Best But You Don't Succeed

Forgive this personal blog post. It's been a quite an emotional couple of weeks for various reasons and I am left feeling drained, upset, full of self doubt and remorse and questioning everything I feel in case it's not justifiable. I know this will pass, this feeling always does, but at the moment I can't sleep, even though I'm really tired. I fall asleep only to wake up a couple of hours later with my thoughts racing around all over the place. I'm hopeful that by getting my feelings and thoughts down 'on paper' so to speak, my head will be a little clearer and I might get some rest.

Several things have happened that I can't/won't go into but I have been left questioning  my thought processes, my actions and my parenting 'skills' or lack of them! You know the feeling....you can't do right for doing wrong or something like that. I want to help but I don't want to interfere, I want to advise but not tell people what to do, I want to tell everyone what I think and feel but don't want to upset anyone. I am full of self doubt, full of anger, full of frustration and full of concern.

I'm told that 'everything will work out', that 'everything will be ok', that I worry too much, that the issues that I see shouldn't concern me, that it's not my problem but when these things involve your family it's incredibly difficult not to want to step in and try to make things better, to ease the burden, to share concerns.

I often feel completely helpless when I see people struggling. I know that I often overstep the mark and get too involved or, conversely, don't do enough and I just can't seem to get the balance right. If I get too involved I am interfering, being judgemental and if I stay away I am perceived as not caring. The whole thing makes me feel so inadequate and misunderstood.

I thought that having children with special needs was hard work but I am learning that having a grandchild with special needs is equally tough. I thought that once your children grew up and became adults that things would be more straightforward, that relationships would be less strained but that is not proving to be the case. I assumed a lot and I realise that that was a mistake. 

Even now, when all of my children are grown up and living their own lives and making their own choices, I can still be astounded by things that I learn about them and their behaviour. They have all done wonderful things and are all capable of being fantastic and I know that is what I should remember.....that they do have good in them and that they can be kind and loving people ..... but then things happen and I am left wondering if it can possibly be all my fault? Are the mistakes that my children make really down to me as a parent? I'm not sure why I feel so responsible. Maybe that's just how it is when you are a parent and you want the best for child. 

I am aware that I am rambling on a bit here about non specific things which is probably not making for very interesting reading. As I implied at the start of this update, I am almost using this as a dumping ground for my thoughts and feelings in an effort to clear my head and get some sleep but I'm not sure if that is going to work.

All I can really do is be me and, from time to time, I'm not so sure that being 'me' is enough. 

Xxxxx

We Are Family

Yet again, I have spent about an hour typing a blog post, really got into it, gone to add photos and then the laptop goes to pot and I lose everything....including my sense of humour!

The gist of the now lost forever post was about recording things for prosperity and how much easier it is these days with videos, blogs, vlogs too! I used to keep diaries from time to time as a teenager and then later as a mother of 4 but they had very selective events and emotions written in them and were often written late at night when I was tired or worse.
My memory has always been bad and now, how I wish that I had an accurate record of when my children cut their first tooth, took their first steps, said their first words especially now that my own daughters ask me about such events as they have children of their own. At one time, I'm sure, I could have reeled off the times and dates of such events but not any more.
I like to think that I spent so much time bringing up the family of 4 children, 2 with extra needs and then one who had meningitis at 4 months old, a husband who worked away a lot and who then lost his job just weeks before our son was born that I just had too much to think about. Add to that the various part time jobs that I held down to try to help make ends meet, I think it's no surprise that I only really recall the scary medical events, the ambulance call outs and the health worries. It's not good but that's the truth.
I hope that by doing this blog, and writing about my feelings and recording various events, that my grandchildren will be able to get an idea of what their Nanny was like if they want to find out more about me after I've gone or when I am no longer able to tell them myself. I hope that day is far away but you never know.
I may have mentioned in an earlier post ( you see, I can't remember!) that I do have recordings from a tape cassette that I had put onto a CD that contain the voices of my Mum, my Dad and my Nan among others who are no longer with us. I find it comforting when I hear them and when I heard my Nan's voice for the first time in 30 + years via the CD I was amazed to hear that she had a Hampshire accent. I had no recollection of that at all.

I will not be vlogging anytime soon.....I am no oil painting, don't do make up really and have no idea about clothing in truth... so you will be spared that trauma for now but maybe, at some point, I will post a video of me talking on here just to see how it goes but don't hold your breath for that.

I have had a little more time over the past few days and so have been cooking more than usual. I have been experimenting with recipes from The Body Coach Lean In 15 Sustain Plan book as I find his recipes easy to follow and very tasty. I have also cooked from the Lucy Bee Coconut Oil book that I have had for a year or so. Here's a few that I made earlier...

                                         Mexican supper

                                          Chocolate and banana overnight oats

Feta and bacon frittata

Raspberry with lemon sauce pudding

                                                           Banana pancake with blueberries

I'm currently cooking lasagne to take to family tomorrow along with some home cooking for the twins who recently celebrated their first birthdays. Yes, Phoebe and Sam are now over 1 year old and I can't go without sharing a few memories and photos from the day. It was pretty chaotic and I didn't take a single photo but Kirsty has said that it's ok for me to use some of the photos that she sent me.

The children had a birthday party at a soft play centre near to where they live. There was a separate area for little ones under 18 months of age and the usual activities for the older children. Kirsty had invited a lot of people and wanted to include as many of the people as possible that have been so important and so supportive over the past year or so. It was lovely that so many were able to make it.
There were children of all ages, there were grandparents, great grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and friends. There were sandwiches, crisps, jelly and ice cream and, of course, a cake. Sam fell asleep halfway through the party but woke in time for jelly and ice cream of course! Phoebe didn't eat any of the food but took her bottle happily and both children enjoyed lots of cuddles.
For me it was lovely to see the friends of Kirsty who came, many who now have their own children. Many of those friends used to come to our house when they were teenagers and we have known them for a long time. To see that these friendships have stayed the course was lovely to see. There was also another set of twins and a set of triplets who made the journey to join the family which was really appreciated by the family.

Uncles, auntie and princess

                                            Happy birthday!

Chief bridesmaid in waiting!

                                                        Daddy's girl

                                                   Cousins

                                         3 generations

 So, belated happy birthday to my gorgeous bubbas. Well done Mummy and Daddy for making it through the first year and still being sane! Thank you from me to everyone who has supported the family. Thanks to those that offer lifts, that cook and shop for them, that are there at the end of the phone when things are stressful and/or difficult, that are just there. You have no idea how much you have done to keep things going along so smoothly.

That's enough for now.

Thanks for taking the time and bothering to read this. I know I go on a bit!

Stay safe and be kind to each other.

xxxxxx