Hi folks,
This is a 'feeling rubbish' post. I'm knackered, fighting a cold and ear ache, the heating system is playing up yet again and there has been drilling going on in the garden of the house at the bottom of our garden since 8 am. It's Saturday and I had the chance of a lay in. Some chance.
I'm working a lot and not enjoying it and there is no end to that situation until the middle of December.
My car passed its MOT but cost £500+ and there are still bits to do to it to get it working properly. I have to have a car for work so it had to be done.
I'm heartily fed up with trying to help people and encourage people and being taken for granted in the process. I'm fed up with walking on egg shells and worrying about what I should say and what I shouldn't say for fear of upsetting someone/anyone without even realising it. I'm fed up with being asked 'what's wrong with you?' as if there is always something wrong with me even when there's not. I'm fed up with not being allowed to be me, fed up with always being made to feel as if I should be a better person, I should be more than I am, I should be more grateful, I should be happier, I should have more faith in myself, I should be this and I should do that.
I don't want to compete with anyone. I don't want to be made to feel that I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like this basically.
I do want to be happy and I do want to be healthy. I do want to enjoy my work and I do want to be a good wife, mum, nanny and friend. I do want to have positive experiences and I do want to have fun. I do want to be able to say what I feel and say what I think whether or not it's 'the right thing'.
When a person is continually asked what is wrong with them when there is nothing wrong at all, it can make you feel really uneasy. You start to think that there really IS something wrong with you and then start to question your feelings and emotions, your behaviour and your whole being. I used to feel this way when I was a child. I was quiet and shy and I was made to feel that it was wrong to be like that. I was supposed to be gregarious and outgoing like everyone else, apparently, so, even at the tender age of 7 I was made to feel that 'being me' wasn't good enough....that I had to be more like other people. That feeling carried on through my teenage years when the shyness continued and chronic self consciousness became the norm for me. No suprise then, I guess, when my adulthood became a anxiety ridden mess.
It has only been relatively recently that I realised that anxiety is actually a 'thing'. I've lived most of my life in a state of anxiety and always thought it was just me and how I am. Up to a point I guess that is true. We are all born with characteristics and traits that shape our personalities. I was never going to be a go getter, an attention seeker, the bell of the ball or take centre stage at parties no matter how I tried even if I wanted to be....which I didn't. I always found, and still do find, social gatherings excruciating. It doesn't matter how lovely the hosts are or how welcoming everyone is, I'd much rather be at home. Even gatherings in my own home can be a horrible experience for me. The build up is super stressful and exhausting so I often end up sitting in a corner exhausted by the time the party starts and that's just with family.
The crux of the matter for me, at the the moment I feel, is that I have gone back to a job that I didn't enjoy with the best of intentions and that job has knocked me back and reminded me of how rubbish I can feel. I was actually doing pretty well until the last few weeks and then I was in a situation where I felt inadequate, hugely stressed and vulnerable and it has knocked the wind out of my sails. I am left feeling anxious, miserable, grumpy and on edge. I know the right thing for me would be to quit the job right now but I can't do that. I have obligations and a contract and I don't want to let anyone down but there is a huge lesson that I need to learn from this experience. I need to follow my heart. If I had listened to my heart I wouldn't have agreed to go back to the job. I would have remembered how it made me feel the last time I was there. Instead I felt guilty because I felt I wasn't working enough. How ridiculous is that?
So, another self indulgent blog post that is really full of gloom and doom but, as I often say here, this is my blog and it's about me and my life. This is me and my life today. I will be brighter when this cold goes away and when I feel less anxious. Let's hope it's not too long eh?
Have a lovely weekend.
Xxx
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