The Great South Run, A Birthday and Nanny Stuff

Good morning one and all and welcome to the start of winter. Yep, it's the morning that the clocks go back an hour and the mornings get lighter but the evenings get longer. I, naturally, have been awake since 4 a.m. (or is that 5 a.m.?). I put a load of washing, filled the dishwasher and fed the dogs, had a banana pancake for breakfast and am on my 2nd huge mug of tea. It's still only 7.45 am so lots of time to do plenty more should the fancy take me.

Firstly, today is the 2nd birthday of our 4th grandchild and 2nd grandson Marley. He is a beautiful looking little boy with blonde wavy hair, the bluest of eyes and a love of hats! He is a typical lad of his age. He loves his Mummy and spends most of his time with her and his family and so he tends to find visitors and people that he doesn't know very well quite daunting. I know that, before we know it, all that will change and he will soon be wanting to come to stay at our house  with his older brother and sisters. Happy birthday gorgeous Marley Moo!

This is an old snap of Marley but I love it!

      Marley now💙

Now, regarding my last blog post of a few weeks ago....I know it caused a little concern and consternation. It wasn't written with that intention. It really was just a way of clearing my head and getting my thoughts in order but thank you to everyone who was worried about me. I'm fine! I have had time to think things through and make some decisions. I have a very busy month or so ahead with all manners of commitments and things going on but I hope to be able to hold it all together without having any kind of meltdown. Hopefully this blog will be proof of that but time will tell.

I have had two weeks away from work which has been beneficial but I have not been sitting around doing nothing....at least, not very often although, compared to some people I feel positively slovenly. I have taken the opportunity to meet up with people that I have been meaning to see for ages which has been lovely. Various grandchildren have been to stay and we have visited the beach hut on several occasions too which has been a real bonus and a tonic at this time of year.

My beautiful Pops and Robyn at the local garden centre

Prosecco and the Sunday papers on a glorious day at the hut

Last Sunday my middle daughter took part in, and completed, the Great South Run which is held at Portsmouth every year. I took her to the event and drove the short trip to Southsea in brilliant sunshine. We got there with plenty of time to spare so managed a bracing walk and a cup of coffee before the event started.

I have wanted to go and support Lou in her running for ages but there always seems to be something that stops me but this time I was determined to be there for her. It was nice to spend some quality time just the two of us having a catch up without interruption. This is a rare occurrence as you can imagine for a mum of 4 young children!

I saw her set off, I saw her en route and even saw her as she approached the finish line. She did so well and it was fabulous to see her with her medal. It made me want to run again😱

                                                    Proud Mummy moment

After a long 18 months, it seems as if we are getting to the end of settling my father in laws estate. It has taken so long and has been so very stressful along the way. Hubby has done a wonderful job of dealing with everything but even he has found it difficult to deal with at times. I know that he just wants to feel that he has fulfilled his parents wishes and dealt with the situation as best as he could and he has certainly done that and much more. I know that they would be very proud of him and the way that he has conducted himself throughout.

On to wedding planning and Rosie and Harry's ideas for their big day are continuing to take shape. Yesterday they asked Robyn and Poppy is they would be their bridesmaids and the girls were thrilled. Both girls were given an envelope with a personalised invitation inside which was a lovely touch. The invitations are going to go into their memory boxes we are told. They were both then measured for their bridesmaids dresses and then Rosie, Harry and Harry's mum set off on a search for fabric as the dresses are being handmade for them. How exciting!

Kirsty has returned to work so it's all hands to the pump with childcare plans. I had my first full day with them on Wednesday and lived to tell the tale! In truth, they were as good as gold and I thoroughly enjoyed my time with them. I'm not saying that I wasn't tired by the end of the day, especially as hubby was away and I had two dogs to walk before and after my 'shift', but I guess at 56 you aren't going to be able to breeze through the day like you can when you are in your 30's.

                                                      Snack time

So, life goes on....thank goodness! Yes, it has its worries and frustrations. It has its highs and lows. There is always something to worry about and fret over(for me at least) but there is always so very much to be thankful for. I'm thankful everyday for my health and for my family. For me I think that should be enough.

Happy Sunday everyone. Stay safe and be kind always.

xxxx

P.S. I have this little guide beside my bed and as my screensaver on my ipad. It's just a reminder to me to actually think about things and I believe it's helping me along the way.

A Fight With My Inner Self....Again

Hi folks,

This is a 'feeling rubbish' post. I'm knackered, fighting a cold and ear ache, the heating system is playing up yet again and there has been drilling going on in the garden of  the house at the bottom of our garden since 8 am. It's Saturday and I had the chance of a lay in. Some chance.
I'm working a lot and not enjoying it and there is no end to that situation until the middle of December.
My car passed its MOT but cost £500+ and there are still bits to do to it to get it working properly. I have to have a car for work so it had to be done.
I'm heartily fed up with trying to help people and encourage people and being taken for granted in the process. I'm fed up with walking on egg shells and worrying about what I should say and what I shouldn't say for fear of upsetting someone/anyone without even realising it. I'm fed up with being asked 'what's wrong with you?' as if there is always something wrong with me even when there's not. I'm fed up with not being allowed to be me, fed up with always being made to feel as if I should be a better person, I should be more than I am, I should be more grateful, I should be happier, I should have more faith in myself, I should be this and I should do that.
I don't want to compete with anyone. I don't want to be made to feel that I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like this basically.

I do want to be happy and I do want to be healthy. I do want to enjoy my work and I do want to be a good wife, mum, nanny and friend. I do want to have positive experiences and I do want to have fun. I do want to be able to say what I feel and say what I think whether or not it's 'the right thing'.

When a person is continually asked what is wrong with them when there is nothing wrong at all, it can make you feel really uneasy. You start to think that there really IS something wrong with you and then start to question your feelings and emotions, your behaviour and your whole being. I used to feel this way when I was a child. I was quiet and shy and I was made to feel that it was wrong to be like that. I was supposed to be gregarious and outgoing like everyone else, apparently, so, even at the tender age of 7 I was made to feel that 'being me' wasn't good enough....that I had to be more like other people. That feeling carried on through my teenage years when the shyness continued and chronic self consciousness became the norm for me. No suprise then, I guess, when my adulthood became a anxiety ridden mess.
It has only been relatively recently that I realised that anxiety is actually a 'thing'.  I've lived most of my life in a state of anxiety and always thought it was just me and how I am. Up to a point I guess that is true. We are all born with characteristics and traits that shape our personalities. I was never going to be a go getter, an attention seeker, the bell of the ball or take centre stage at parties no matter how I tried even if I wanted to be....which I didn't. I always found, and still do find, social gatherings excruciating. It doesn't matter how lovely the hosts are or how welcoming everyone is, I'd much rather be at home. Even gatherings in my own home can be a horrible experience for me. The build up is super stressful and exhausting so I often end up sitting in a corner exhausted by the time the party starts and that's just with family.

The crux of the matter for me, at the the moment I feel, is that I have gone back to a job that I didn't enjoy with the best of intentions and that job has knocked me back and reminded me of how rubbish I can feel. I was actually doing pretty well until the last few weeks and then I was in a situation where I felt inadequate, hugely stressed and vulnerable and it has knocked the wind out of my sails. I am left feeling anxious, miserable, grumpy and on edge. I know the right thing for me would be to quit the job right now but I can't do that. I have obligations and a contract and I don't want to let anyone down but there is a huge lesson that I need to learn from this experience. I need to follow my heart. If I had listened to my heart I wouldn't have agreed to go back to the job. I would have remembered how it made me feel the last time I was there. Instead I felt guilty because I felt I wasn't working enough. How ridiculous is that?

So, another self indulgent blog post that is really full of gloom and doom but, as I often say here, this is my blog and it's about me and my life. This is me and my life today. I will be brighter when this cold goes away and when I feel less anxious. Let's hope it's not too long eh?

Have a lovely weekend.

Xxx

A Headful of Phoebe

Hi all,

This is a quick post really just to get this out of my head and also so that I don't forget this experience in years to come.
I went to a spa for the day yesterday with my bestie. It was wonderful and just what the doctor ordered....rest, relaxation, healthy lunch and the added bonus of glorious sunshine.  We sat outside, me in my bikini, in the sunshine....in October for goodness sake🌞😊.

I used the steam room, the pool, the tepidarium (I think that is what it's called anyway), the jacuzzi and the relaxation areas. I had a back and neck massage by a male masseur! First time for everything and he was very good.

I had been awake since 3.30 am for no obvious reason and so it was the perfect tonic for me.

Anyway, I spent a lot of time in the quiet area where there is a floating pool. It does what it say on the tin. You lay in the water and you float. I think it's the salt in the water or something that makes it possible but, whatever it is, it's fabulous.

I lay on my back with my eyes closed and floated about with just the sound of the water lapping at the edge of the pool and some distant relaxation music in the background. I found that I could really stretch out my hips too. I got myself into the 'crab' position...you know the one? On your back, feet on the floor and hands on the floor over your head and with your tummy pulled up towards the ceiling?  Not a great description I don't think but when we were kids we called it ' the crab'.  Because the water was so supporting, I could stretch my right hip out beautifully and it felt good.

All very lovely and super relaxing but then I returned to just floating and drifted about feeling totally relaxed, not aware of anything at all when, out of the blue, my whole head just became filled up with Phoebe! I can't describe it anyway other than that. It was as if her head was inside mine and I could see from inside hers. It felt like our two heads were together?! It was the strangest but the most lovely thing. It was fleeting, probably only a couple of seconds, but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like it means something but I've no idea what.

So, if any of you are spiritually minded, hippy folk who could shed some light on this experience I'd be interested in your views. I assure you that no medication, drugs or anything other than a cup of coffee and a mug of camomile tea had been consumed!

That's it. That's all I need to share. Thanks for reading and for being there.

Xxxxx

Oh, and if you do like alternative 'hippy' stuff, catch The Retreat on BBC2. Nick Knowles financed the programmes apparently and it's based in Thailand where a group of people detox, reboot their lives and tried all sorts of alternative treatments. I liked it, obviously😂😂