Also, just before you read any further and think that this is about the wonderful film featuring the brilliant Emma Thompson and much missed Alan Rickman among others you will be disappointed. The film Love Actually is a firm family favourite and is watched religiously by one of my daughters every Christmas Eve and at many other times throughout the year and I could probably write about it quite well but I won't. No, this blog is about love,actually.
After the excitement and the worry of the last months I have found myself waking at ridiculous times of the night and not being able to get back to sleep. Whilst being very annoying, and ultimately exhausting, I have had a lot of time to think about events of the past...not just the recent past either.
Anyone that sees my various facebook updates and other social media outlets that I am associated with will have seen a lot of the word 'pride' and 'proud' used by me and there is no doubt that I am a very proud Mum and Nanny and am happy to broadcast it loud and clear to anyone who wants to hear it. I am also very aware that it may be a bit annoying to see constant mentions of how proud I am of x,y,z but I am.
I'm proud of my husband, my children and my grandchildren. I'm proud of my brothers and sisters and all of my extended family for everything that they achieve every single day without bragging about it. I'm also proud of myself for being the person that I am. Yes, I have faults, plenty of them, but I know that I am a good person and I do try to do my best 'almost' all the time!
Being proud is one thing but giving and receiving love is a whole different thing and not something that I have ever found easy. However, it is love that has got me thus far in my life. The love of my parents kept me safe when I was young and guided and supported me as I grew up and had to face the challenges that life threw my way. The love of my friends has provided me with a constant support network and the inevitable shoulder that we all need to cry on from time to time. The love of my brothers and sisters has seen me through many an emotional wobble. The love of my husband has made me realise what strength I actually do have despite my own doubts about the matter. The love of my children gives me strength every day in ways that they will never know. The love of my grandchildren gives me immense joy.
The love that I have in my heart for all of the above mentioned people is returned to them in my own way and from the bottom of my heart every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I am not very eloquent when it comes to the spoken word but I feel so much love for them all that sometimes I could just cry....not sad tears but happy tears, tears of joy.
I have always loved my family - every single one of them - more than I will ever be able to show. What hasn't always been there is the love that I now have for myself. That might sound like a strange comment to make but, for me, it's true. I have always been riddled with self doubt, anxiety and fear and not for any reason other than I think it is just the way I am. It's how I'm made. Some people breeze through lifes ups and downs with very little stress. I am not one of those people and never have been and it has made me question and criticise myself at every turn for many, many years. Now, however, and I guess it's something that comes with age and experience, I know that I am a good, kind person and I know that I'm nice. What's not to love about that?!
I know that I am very fortunate to have the life that I now have. Many, many people are far worse off than me and I am thankful every day for my health and wellbeing. I hope never to take that for granted. I am thankful for the love in my life, for the love that I feel and for the love that I am given.
Thanks for putting the love in my life you lovely people.
xxx
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