Angel

Hi everyone.

Once in a while, if we are very lucky, someone comes into our lives that enriches it beyond measure. That person lifts you up, is your biggest supporter, loves you unconditionally and makes you feel special.
That person may arrive in your life in any guise at anytime and, when they do, it feels as if they have always been there and you can't imagine your life without them in it.

In my case, my angel was my best friend's mum. Her brother was friends with my Dad when they were children and she worked with both my parents during the evenings at the local telephone exchange when they all had their own children and money was hard to come by.

I met my best friend at primary school and we attended the same schools until we were 17 by which time my parents had divorced and I had been welcomed into my friend's home with open arms by her parents.

I loved my friend's Mum from the word go. She was always smiling and welcoming no matter what her own circumstances. She made me meals, let me sleep over and even let me go on holiday with the family.

As my own life wended its muddled way through the years and with all the ups and downs that came my way, my angel was a constant. I could go months without seeing her but her smile would always be wide and her arms would be open waiting for a hug whenever we met, however long it had been.
She always cared about my children and my life. In fact, I have no doubt that she made everyone feel that way. She had a gift of making everyone feel special and that they were important to her.

On Wednesday morning, after being very poorly for a few days, my angel lost her battle and left us. She leaves my wonderful friend and her wonderful family behind her along with a list of friends and acquaintances that may be never ending. It seems that she made a huge impact on every person that she came in contact with albeit the waitress in the local cafe to the cashier in the supermarket, to the people in the street where she used to live to her friends at the cricket club and beyond.

I'm not really sure that I have taken in the fact that I won't see her again in this life. I won't be getting any more of those hugs and kisses and I won't be bending down to give her kiss on the head because she had got so small that I had to bend to reach her! She won't be reaching up to hold my face to tell me that she loves me.

For my bestie and her family there will be a gap in their lives that will seem impossible to fill.

I am the lucky one. I received love and affection and tenderness and I didn't have the day to day minutia of life to deal with. I didn't have to worry about her illnesses and frailties, about her appetite and her forgetfulness, about her falls and her mobility.

I have nothing but wonderful memories of a truly wonderful lady who I am going to miss so very much.

God bless you darling F. Watch over those you have left behind and take care of them.

Xxxxxxx

The One Where The Grandchildren Came To Stay

Hi everyone,

I'm sitting on my bed typing this and I've just looked out of the window and realised just how autumnal it has become....

I do love Autumn. I love the colours and I love walking the dogs and feeling and hearing the leaves crunching underfoot as I trundle along. This is all well and good until the wet weather sets in and then it's not so much fun. Then my car becomes a host for continual wet dog smell which isn't the nicest of aromas. However, while the weather is like it is then I shall embrace it and will walk the dogs to my hearts content🐶😊👍

I had a busy couple of days at the weekend as we had three of the grandchildren to stay. As ever, it was a joy to have them here. Their Daddy dropped them off on Friday at teatime and there followed a lovely dog walk, home made pizza for tea and then an hour playing in the shed at the bottom of the garden which I had made into a sort of den. There are a couple of garden chairs in there, an old white plastic table and a rug too. There is a lantern and I have run an extension cable down there so that I can even turn the heater on if I want to.

The children loved it down there and much fun was had. They all wanted to tell ghost stories but then all got a little bit scared as it was very dark by this time! They are all  coming to stay over on Halloween so I think we will be down in the shed again with candles and torches in the dark. It will be fun.

At bedtime on Friday the children announced that they were going to bed and that was it. I got into bed with them at 9pm and literally 5 minutes later they were all fast asleep. I snuck out of bed and had a cup of tea and then went to bed myself in case they got up extra early or got scared in the night. Neither of those things happened. Of course, I didn't sleep very well but they did and it was lovely.

On Saturday, after a breakfast of cocoa pops, I took them along to the local garden centre where there is a Halloween walk and where there is a large area dedicated to all things Christmas. Yes, Christmas!  The Halloween walk was a good idea in principal but, as expected, not all of the children wanted to go through it. Unfortunately I was the only adult there and I couldn't go through with one child and leave the others outside on their own so we gave that a miss. However, they did all enjoy the Halloween shop. Trying on masks was fun!

Obviously, the Christmas shop was a great success. So many baubles and so much tinsel. 

Then we got back in the car and drove the 15 minutes to the beach hut as the weather was favourable. On the way we had to stop at the shop for bread and butter as the children had all requested chocolate toast which has become their favourite food at the hut. Basically, I toast bread over the calor gas cooker and then just smear it with butter and Nutella. Another firm favourite is toasting marshmallows. The shop didn't have any marshmallows but I found a few left over from our previous visit so there was enough for us all to have two each. Happy days.

Seeing the children have so much fun at the beach hut just made me appreciate once again the absolute joy that I and my family get from my 'shed' at the seaside. I really think they love it as much as I do and I hope that we are able to continue making memories there for years to come. 

Anyway, after that the children were taken home by Grandad and I put the house back together😂😊

After I have had the children I do feel weary and I wonder how I ever managed with four children and a dog of my own but, of course, I was the best part of 30 years younger then. 

That's all for now folks. I'm currently trying to knit a baby blanket which is a labour of love and which is taking me an awfully long time as I'm not the best knitter in the world. I remember Nan knitting us countless pairs of mittens when we were kids and I remember Mum knitting jumpers and cardigans too. My sister is also really good at knitting so I think I missed out on that particular gene. However, I'm nothing if not determined so I will get this blanket done and then a blue one and that  will probably be it but we will see.

Finally, as I type this, one of the kindest, sweetest and most generous people I know is very poorly in hospital. I'm keeping everything crossed that she makes a full recovery 💕💕

Xxxxxx

Bullies

Hi all,

I'm in a quandary with this blog. I started it for me and found it helpful in my fight against anxiety and the usual stuff that you get when you are me! Then I used it as a diary. Then it was a platform for me to express my feelings. Then I became concerned with being too open and with upsetting my family and friends through my words. Then I thought I blogged too often and decided to just publish once a week but then I found that I couldn't actually remember what I did in a whole week. Scarey but true. Is that something that I should be worried about? My friends all tell me that their memory is not what it was. Mine has never been great anyway.
There is so much going on and so much that I want to say .....most of the time to be honest....that I'm just going to blog when I feel like it, rant away and publish it. I will think about it before I unleash my thoughts on the world but I will just put it out there.

At the weekend I was chatting away to my daughter and the subject of bullying came up. I guess we can all relate to the issue. I'm sure most of us were bullied in some way or another when we were younger. I certainly was but not continually. I recall being pinched on my hands until my hands bled in assemblies at primary school and I remember being chased into the toilets and having the hood ripped off of my new coat when I was at secondary school. I locked myself in the toilet for what seemed like hours until my pursuers gave up and went away. I was left crying, shaking and terrified that I was going to be followed home and set upon on the way.I wasn't! I hadn't done anything to provoke the girls that were horrible to me. They obviously saw me as an easy target. I wasn't smart or attractive. I was shy and self conscious. Way to go girls. You made an already insecure young girl feel a million times worse about herself.

Fast forward 10 years or so and I have children of my own, two of which have a genetic condition that makes them look slightly different to other people. When my eldest daughters were young I had to get used to the stares and double takes. It was hurtful.  We fought for the girls to go to mainstream school....there was no reason why they shouldn't... and we were successful. However, this put my girls into the melting pot of adolescents and the peer pressure and judgmental opinions that go with it. I know, although they rarely told me, that both my older girls had more than their fair share of bullying and victimisation whilst at school. Words and name calling more than anything else are so hurtful. They can scar a person for life. Really, what possesses a person to be vile to another just so they feel better about themselves?

However, whilst I was aware of the issues my elder daughters were experiencing, I was not so aware that my youngest daughter was having an equally hard time.
My youngest girl is smart...clever, bright and on the ball. She is also tall, wears glasses and has wild curly hair that I love and that she has (finally) learned to live with! She is25!! She had bacterial meningitis when she was 4 months old, was very, very ill and we are incredibly lucky that she survived with no ill effects except for possibly poor eyesight.

The other day she casually mentioned that when she was in year 8 - she would have been 12/13 - she used to catch the school bus and she was intimidated and ridiculed while she was on there. I have no idea how long this went on for but on one occasion one of the girls who was picking on her actually set fire to my daughters hair...just for a laugh...as you do. I had no idea about this until the other day and I am horrified that I wasn't aware of it, that I didn't do anything about it.

I know that this was a long time ago now but that kind of bullying does untold damage and can ruin a person's self esteem and wellbeing. Without doubt, my youngest daughter will never forget that episode. I have no idea how it was resolved. I also have no idea what other things happened to her, or to my other girls, because of how they looked.
It breaks my heart and makes me bloody angry that these things happened to them and I couldn't stop it. 40 years plus on from my own experiences of bullying and I can still remember the guilt and the shame that I felt about myself.....yet it wasn't my fault! I didn't ask to be bullied, I didn't do anything that I was aware of to provoke it. I was just me.

I guess there will always be people who think that it's funny to ridicule, taunt and bully other people. Perhaps it gives them a feeling of satisfaction to see a fellow human being fall apart under the pressure of their actions. Such is life.

xxxx
 

The One Where I Knit And Cook ( and where I sulked through our 26th wedding anniversary)

Hi folks. A quick update for you this week as I'm blooming tired and I need to get to bed shortly me thinks.

This week has basically seen me knitting and cooking. It's been a quiet week with only one meeting but that was with school friends, one who now lives in the US, and her trip back to see her parents was a good reason for a few of us to get together. 5 of us met for tea and cake in our home town of Guildford and it was really nice. I was very late but I got there and I'm glad I did. As we get older I find it so important to keep in touch with people. I've made a concerted effort recently to phone people and arrange meeting for coffee or similar and I still have a long list of people to contact.

Anyway, my knitting, whilst being frustrating initially, has gradually improved. I have managed to finish one pink hat and one blue one. They are from the same pattern but look quite different! 

I'm going to do another pink one I think and then I may even try a cardigan or a blanket. 

Today, Sunday, has seen a Hairy Bikers recipe book frenzy where I made Welsh griddle cakes for breakfast, beer battery fish and chips followed by apple and blackberry pie for tea and also Millionaire's shortbread. All very nice. All very unhealthy but nice all the same.

I've also made bits and pieces over the past week and nearly all have been nice apart from one semolina based pud which was unpleasant.

It was our 26th wedding anniversary during the week. We didn't celebrate it. We were going to go out for a meal but I didn't want to go. I wasn't in a very good mood for various reasons and going out for a meal was the last thing I wanted to do so I didn't go! I actually spent most of the day tucked away in my bedroom staying out of everyone's way. It was probably for the best I think. I did get some flowers and a bottle of fizz from our daughter which was lovely of her.

As I said, short and sweet this week. Makes a change I know!

Keep safe everyone and be kind to each other.

Xxxx

The One Where I Think I Can Knit ( and I fret a bit too😂!)

Well, that was another week and a half! Lots of cooking and baking, lots of dog walking, a scan so my daughter and son in law could find out what flavour babies they are expecting and a flat move for my son and his girlfriend. Hubby was away for 3 nights and I missed him. He's not normally away for that long and it was a week when I needed him to talk to!  Talking on the phone isn't quite the same as a face to face chat and a cuddle when you need it.

So, to start with, here a a few of my baking/cooking efforts....all Hairy Bikers recipes. I have made it my mission to cook every recipe in the book so be prepared for more photos in coming weeks.

The main focus of the week, undoubtably, was the previously mentioned scan that my daughter went for on Wednesday. It was a big day for her and one that she was excited and anxious about in equal measure. She had used the 20 week marker as the date that everything started to become real. The babies she is expecting would become 'real' as the sexes of them were revealed. Well, brilliantly and happily, she is expecting one of each. How brilliant is that? The babies appear to be growing well and we are keeping everything crossed that all continues to go as well as possible.

As a mum it is incredibly exciting and scary in equal measures when you find out that your daughter is having a baby. It is something that I have been incredibly fortunate to have experienced 4 times before and I never get over the miracle of each and every pregnancy and birth.

This time there is more anxiety because it's a twin pregnancy and my daughter's first pregnancy too. She has also been very sick and had a pretty rough time so we are all hoping that the next few months will settle down.

For me it's a strange time. Fear, excitement, and everything in between. I'm sure all prospective grandmothers feel the same. However, add in to the mix the fact that there is a genetic condition  to add to the equation and it's no wonder that my brain is in overdrive.

With each of the pregnancies of my daughters I have been so worried that one of their babies will have inherited the condition known as Stickler Syndrome, especially as there is a 50/50 chance of any baby inheriting the condition and carrying it on.

When I had my first child I had no idea of what was ahead of me for my girls and I had never heard of the condition. My pregnancy was normal and I loved every minute of it. The trauma that followed the birth of my daughter was life changing for me and my husband at the time. It really did change our lives forever.

I always vowed that my daughters would have as much information as they could get before they decided to try for their own families and that is what I have always tried to give them. Once they have been given all of the details they could then go ahead and make their choice. I always felt that there is no such thing as too much information in such circumstances and so I also spoke with the partners too just so they were as aware as they could be.

While my girls are old enough to make up their own minds, whenever one of them tells me that they are pregnant my heart races and my tummy churns because I am so thrilled for them but also because I am so worried.

Stickler Syndrome is not a life limiting condition but it does make certain things more difficult. I remember how much of a struggle I found things at times and I remember the hospital visits and the  doctors appointments that the girls endured, the operations and the drama. I remember what we were told by the consultants .....all the things that our children might not be able to do and achieve. Then I look at my girls and I am amazed at their resilience and their inner strength. I am reminded every day of the goodness and kindness that lives in them. Stickler Syndrome has not defined them. In many ways it has brought out the very best in them.

Whatever happens with this latest pregnancy, Stickler or no Stickler, these babies will be welcomed into the world with love and joy and happiness just as our other grandchildren have been. It's a very exciting time - despite the fretting Mum/ Nanny driving herself and everyone else mad!!

So exciting, in fact, that I have started knitting....which is ridiculous because I really am not a natural! However, I am determined to give it a good go and have started knitting a hat. Simple I have no doubt but not so for me. I have already had to unravel my work and start again as I messed it up and I've no idea how😂😂😂

So, there we are. I have fretted about this update. I am always so worried that anything I write will upset or offend someone and updates like these about something so personal are always tricky. However, but this blog is ultimately for me and about me and my feelings. Having said that, if anyone reads this and is upset in anyway please do let me know. I can take the page down very easily.

Until next time. 

Xxxxx