Down In The Dumps

Hi folks,

I think this is going to be a less upbeat, more of a 'clear my head' kind of update - the kind of thing that I find therapeutic but which might not make for very interesting reading. Apologies in advance.

I've had another busy week. Maybe therein lies the problem. I'm not sleeping well at all. I am waking at 3am regularly for no reason and then cannot get back to sleep. My head feels full of 'stuff''. Nothing dreadfully important but thoughts that make no sense and which are clogging up my thinking and making me appear absent and forgetful. I'm not concentrating properly and I am forgetting things. I am snacking even more than usual and my diet is not great. I have started drinking the odd glass of wine or two again and I absolutely know that doesn't help.
I am also worried about money. I don't have a job at the moment and that is my choice. Hubby is in agreement that I have some time off but I am really worried. I think it's because I don't have my own money and, therefore,  I have to think very carefully about everything that I spend and feel that I have to justify the purchase. This is an issue for me and always has been. I hate having to justify myself in any way. I also feel that I should be working because I am able to not because I particularly want to. I have always worked unless I have been pregnant or ill and now I am neither of those things and I'm not sure how to proceed.

I haven't got loads on my mind for any particular reason so I'm not sure what is going on. I just feel wiped out and weary and I feel guilty for feeling that way.

We had the luxury of having three of the grandchildren to stay over on Friday evening which was lovely if tiring. Fortunately I had assistance in the guise of daughter and her partner and hubby so I didn't need to keep my eye on things all the time but I still felt exhausted after I dropped them off the next day.
However, when it came to bedtime I shared my bed with the three of them until they went to sleep and I was transported back to time spent with my Nan when myself, my younger brother and sister would stay with her in her double bed. She used to love having us to stay and she always spoilt us. We used to lay in bed chattering away late into the night with Nan and eventually she would tell us to stop talking and go to sleep. I found myself doing the same with my own grandchildren.

I think, because I'm so tired, I've not been able to shake my thoughts of Nan and, therefore, Mum. I loved them both so much and even now, nearly 40 years after Nan died, I still miss her. I miss them both. There is so much that I would like to tell them and so much that I want to ask them. I'd give anything to be able to talk to my Mum again and hear her voice. And now I've made myself cry. That just shows you the state of mind I'm in at the moment I think!

Maybe it's the time of year, the gloomy wet weather or the fact that I've had to have the heating on that is making me feel this way.
I know that I must sound ungrateful. I have so very much to be thankful for in my life. I just feel stuck and I'm not sure how to move forward. Hopefully this will be a blip and the doldrums will be over soon enough. Let's hope so for all our sakes!!

Really sorry for the negativity and for the tone of this update. I'll publish it but won't link it to facebook or email it to anyone like I usually do. If anyone stumbles across it as some point and reads it then that's fine. This blog is a 'warts and all' blog after all. It's about my life and this is how it is sometimes.

xxxx