Another Sunday morning dawns and I'm listening to the calming sounds of Good Morning Sunday on Radio 2. I really enjoy this programme and I tend to drift in and out of it as I'm doing other things but I find it relaxing and reassuring. I find myself interested in all the aspects of religion that are talked about on there and I love hearing the passionate way that people talk about their faith and beliefs.
I am not a particularly religious person...like my Mum before me I do feel that religion has a huge part to play in a lot of the worlds conflicts...but I have also found myself strangely drawn to the peace and solitude of churches and cathedrals and I am intrigued by spirituality. I guess we all need calm and peace in our busy lives and having peaceful surroundings for contemplation can only be a good thing.
So, while Radio 2 plays quietly in the background, not loud enough to put me off my train of thought but loud enough for me to hear the conversation and music, I will carry on with my meandering thoughts...
Ths week has seen a huge step forward in our mission to move house. Last weekend, after a few weeks of frustration with the whole process, hubby and I decided that, if things weren't resolved by Friday (the Friday just gone) we would withdraw from the whole thing.We would sell our house, bank the proceeds and move into rented accommodation until we could find somewhere that we could buy without any hassle.
As is often the case, once we had agreed on a way forward, things started to progress. Within 24 hours we had received paperwork and confirmation of a mortgage offer, contracts to sign and bills to pay. Yes folks, it seems that our dream of moving is coming to fruition and we couldn't be happier...well, I couldn't be happier! I am hopeful that we wil be moving at the beginning of November but dates have yet to be confirmed and so planning such things as removal firms, notifying people of our change of address etc will have to wait for now. I have a feeling that all of this is going to suddenly take off but I'm ready for the challenge.
On a totally different topic, I have decided to cut down on the antidepressants that I am taking as I feel calmer and more settled than I have in a very long time. I am at peace with all of the dramas and unsettled feelings of the past and I feel more able to cope with things that would normally throw me completely. Now, it may be the medication, it may be the wonderful CBT that I found so helpful, it may be positive thinking, I am not sure but I'm happy to try and be 'me' without the help of chemical additions if possible.
I was taking 20mgs Citalopram and have gradually cut down to 5mgs over the past few months with no noticeable side effects. Mind you, I am taking a form of HRT so I don't know what effect that will have had apart from the fact that I no longer wake in the night covered in sweat!! Sorry, too much information.
I no longer get so stressed at work that I doubt every decision I make. I no longer spend most of my time with a puce face caused by anxiety and fear. I no longer feel my heart racing and pounding so hard that I fear I might die imminently. I am happy in my own skin, happier than I think I have ever been. I am trying to put myself first and, now that I no longer feel guilty about doing so, I'm actually appreciating it. I will always struggle with anxiety, I know that. I will always need to be aware of how my body is feeling and listen to its warning signals.
The thing I find so hard about putting myself first is that I feel selfish and selfishness is a trait that I find so unattractive in another person. Buying things for myself...from a coffee to a bag of lovely clothes and boots from M and S which I did just this week...feels good but bad, it feels selfindulgent and makes me feel guilty. I guess I will just have to get over it!
Another thing that I have noticed over the past few weeks is that I seem to be constantly eating...anything and everything...and I know that this must change. Mybe it's a side effect of medication or a side effect of my happier, more settled self. Whatever it is, it has to stop. I will be the size of a house soon if I'm not careful.
This excess food thing is also making me lazy and lethargic. However, I found myself in bed the other morning, feeling so cosy and happy that I laughed out loud. I had the overwhelming urge to laugh out loud and I couldn't resist it. And, once I had laughed out loud, it made me feel so happy that I laughed out loud again and for longer. It was a bizarre sensation...laughing out loud for sheer pleasure and contentment. I'm not sure that I have ever done that before in my whole life.
I am writing this blog on my ipad and I am using the wireless keyboard which I am still getting used to. In truth I am only using it because my trusty old laptop has decided to give up the ghost again and refuses to turn on. I'm not too worried about that at the moment becuase it has happened before and it sorted itself out with little inout from me so I am just hoping that this will happen again soon but, until then, it's ipad and keyboard. I'm being dragged, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century it seems.
So, that's it for now I think. I feel there is a lot more for me to add but I'd be here all day rabbiting on about things that are of no interest to anyone else apart from me!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I do appreciate it.
With love
xxxx
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