Mental Health Ramblings

Morning all,

As you will, no doubt, be aware, since the very sad news broke that Robin Williams had committed suicide, there has been an outpouring of tributes to the great man and the happiness that he brought to so many people. There has also been a deluge of advice for people suffering from depression and mental health issues. Some of the 'advise'has been derisory, famous people making throwaway comments that are so hurtful to anyone in a fragile state of mind. I fail to see, for example, how committing suicide is selfish. This was one of the remarks made on the radio by a sports commentator and ex professional footballer Alan Brazil.

Anyway, a look back at my previous posts will allude to my own mental health issues, issues that I have had for many, many years. My problems generally stem from anxiety but I have all the classic character traits for someone who suffers from mental health problems - low self esteem, lack of self confidence, painfully shy, an overriding urge to please everyone.
People who know me who are aware of my problems are usually, initially, surprised when I tell them just how bad things can be. They tell me that they would never have guessed that I felt so bad, that I always seem fine. It's amazing how adept we become at covering things up.
I wonder if Mr. Williams had those same insecurities? He most certainly had the ability to please everyone, that is for sure. Was his showmanship and non-stop 'manic' comedy a cover for his crippling self-doubt? Almost certainly. And then, of course, we learn that he had been diagnosed with Parkinson's which must have been a hammer blow. How could he carry on pleasing people if his body and mind were going to become uncontrollable? Oh, it doesn't bear thinking about how awful he must have felt - how desperate.

During the councelling sessions and doctors 'chats' that I have had over the years, I have always been asked if I have ever felt that life is not worth living, have I considered suicide? I can honestly say 'no'. I have never felt that way and I realise how fortunate I am to be able to say that.
Yes, getting out of bed every day can be a struggle, yes, my mind plays tricks on me and my body and scares me into thinking I'm going to drop dead any minute or get some horrible disease, yes, I worry and fret uncontrollably at times about everything and everyone but I have never thought that I would be better of being dead.
I know that I am very, very lucky. I have wonderful family and great friends. I am, believe it or not, very robust and healthy despite it all! I have no money problems, I can work, I can drive and I have everything to live for. I cannot begin to imagine how terrible you must feel to decide that your life isn't worth living and I hope I never do.

The consensus of opinion for people like me who suffer, from time to time, from day to day, from minute to minute, with life is to get help, talk to someone, don't suffer in silence. That is great advice but so very hard to do when you are in the depths of despair. My experience has been that people aren't sure what to say, feel uncomfortable and even, sometimes, tell you to pull yourself together. If only it were that simple!
When the dark cloud descends and all you want to do is hide from everyone until you feel better the last thing you need is someone who thinks that you are feeling sorry for yourself and that you should carry on as normal as that will be good for you. That is  not how it works. Depression is an illness. Your mind is broken and needs fixing and it will take time to heal much like a broken leg takes time to mend and, once you are mended, try to change things so that you don't make the same mistakes again and end up in the same situation months later. Again, that is easier said than done but if nothing changes and you keep doing the same things you will end up in the same place again. Take it from someone who knows. I read somewhere that if you keep putting 10w through a 3w bulb the bulb will keep blowing. Use that analogy for your mental health. Your 'bulb' will keep blowing if you don't change what you put into it. I hope that makes sense!

Well, I wanted to get that out of the way because the whole Robin Williams thing and the fallout from it has been playing on my mind. Apologies if this is a bit random but I had to try to put into words what I am feeling.

Have a great day everyone.

xxxxx