Hi everyone,
This update is not about my beach hut. I know...shocking, right? I imagine you are all heartily sick of reading about the hut and my happiness with it so this one is back to the personal stuff. You have been warned.
As you may know, over the last couple of months I have been having CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) in an effort to try to sort out my issues and anxieties. You may also know that I have been taking antidepressants since February and that I have had counselling and been on various medications on and over for the best part of my adult life.
I went into the CBT with nothing to lose and I was offered it by my GP after hitting another anxiety low point and getting myself into a right old state.
I have lots of books on anxiety and stress which I have read from cover to cover and have read many times too...usually when it's too late to prevent the anxiety and in a desperate attempt to get myself out of it before it's too late...which, of course, it is by then. By the time I realise that I'm struggling there isn't much point in trying to read anything because they are just words on a page and I can't make sense of them. I have found that none of the ideas in these wonderful books make sense when I am already struggling. I need to read them when I am well and able to take in all the information and not forget it after I turn the each page!
Well, I approached my first session of therapy with mixed emotions. What was the therapist going to be like? Would he/she judge me? Did I really need therapy? What would I have to do? Would it really be able to help me with my chronic anxiety? I was very happy to give it a try and I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I waited nervously in the doctor's waiting room until I was called through by a young man which immediately made me feel awkward because I was expecting an older person for some reason. We introduced ourselves to each other and he asked me what my problems were/ are and what I would like the outcome to be of the sessions to which I replied that I would just love to be able to live my life without worrying about every single little thing, to stop doubting myself and stop worrying about what people think of me all the time. I remember thinking that that was an outrageous thing to even contemplate as I have lived my life in some anxious stare or another for as long as I can remember.
Each session ended with me being given some homework which I have done religiously and which I won't come as any surprise to anyone who knows me!
After session three it seemed that most of my anxiety is socially driven. Hence my dread of parties, any gatherings, dinner invitations ...the list goes on and on. This anxiety then leads to me hating cinemas, making phone calls, needing a way out of every situation, sitting at the end of rows, looking for exits. I'm not joking. Many a time I have sat at the end of a row in the cinema almost frozen with stress, fidgeting and feeling scared in case anything happens to someone near me and what would I do if it did. I think it's called catastrophising. I have lived this way for many years and it has almost become the norm apart from the fact that it was making me feel ill and wearing me out and when things were bad they were very bad. When things were ok ( I felt they were good at the time) I was just getting through each day but feeling like I was on the verge of something horrible all the time. When things were bad I was almost unable to function or at least that's what it felt like inside. I could carry on working and getting through the days but that's all I was doing.
By session 4 of CBT something was going on that I couldn't explain. I felt different but I didn't know why. I had not had any traumatised sleep, I had not had any episodes of blotchiness and redness that has plagued my life for so long. I felt more relaxed and confident but I couldn't understand why or explain it . I just felt different.
At the end of that session my homework was to make phone calls to anyone but especially to people that I didn't know. The very thought of it made me feel sick and I told my counsellor that I would try but I couldn't promise anything.
Guess what? I went home and made phone calls and within the space of three calls I felt completely different about it. I know it sounds crazy and stupid and so on but making calls has always made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and so I don't (didn't!) make them. The invention of texts and e mails was a godsend for me because I didn't have to talk to people but I could stay in contact with them.
That has changed! I'm not saying I spend hours on the phone but if a call needs to be made I pick up the phone a make that call. It's easy and it's been liberating for me. I can't quite believe it.
The next weeks homework was to go to the cinema and not sit at the end of the row and go when it was busy. I did that too although I did have en empty seat next to me through chance. I didn't sit at the end of the row, I focussed on the film and not how I was feeling or how I could escape and I had a great time. Amazing!
Following on from this I have been to several family functions which I always find difficult ( I know...family, who know me,....go figure!), met up with colleagues from work, hosted a gathering myself and coped with a couple of, what would previously been dramas to me with honestly no problem.
Next week is my last week of therapy and I'm ok with that. I feel so different, so, very different, that I think I'm going to be fine. I know that there will be situations that I will have to deal with that will make me feel uncomfortable or scared but I know that I will be able to deal with them.
I'm not saying I am 'cured', if that is even the right word, because I will always be an anxiety prone person but I feel better than I can ever remember feeling in my whole life and that is a bloody huge thing to be able to say!!
I don't know if CBT works for everyone but I can't recommend it enough. It has been life changing for me and long may that continue. In my head there is a little voice that keeps asking me how long I can hope to keep feeling like this. I tell that little voice that it's up to me and I want to keep feeling like this forever.
Ok, personal update finished. I hope it's not difficult or uncomfortable to read. I just wanted to share my elation and my pride in myself for changing things around and feeling happy in my own skin.
Have a great weekend all.
Much love as always.
xxxxx
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