Sorry....Not Sorry!

Hi folks,

I was all set up to sit in the conservatory on my newly acquired conservatory furniture (a work in progress and awaiting a new cushion and several replacement covers!) when I decided to let my laptop/ipad update and do their thing. Well....nearly 2 hours...and 3 glasses of prosecco later...here I am. Why do these updates always take so flipping long to complete? I know that I probably have too much stuff on both of said devices but, even so, 2 hours is toooooo long in my opinion.

Anyway, I hope that you are well and enjoying the summer wherever you may be. We, in the UK, well...England...have been blessed with some glorious weather over the last week and most people seem more smiley and happy even if they are sweating like pigs and unable to sleep at nights. We do love our sunshine us Brits.

I have had a bit of time to think about my life at the moment and thought that I might share some my thoughts with you. I know it's a little self indulgent but this is my blog and it's about my life so I can't think of a more suitable place to be honest.

I have always been a people pleaser regardless of who the people might be. People might be my work colleagues, people in the shops that I talk to, my family, my friends, my bank manager! Whoever it may be, I just want whoever it is that I am dealing with to have a good opinion of me. I want them to think that I am a nice person. I want them to think that I am nice, kind, thoughtful, appreciative, understanding etc etc. I think that I am all of those things.

However, when you want to be thought of in such a way it makes you vulnerable to being taken advantage of. In an effort to keep everybody happy it is easy to put yourself last on the list of priorities.

Let's look at my life...

I'm a wife - I'm far from perfect in that role - but I do my best. I like to keep my house in some sort of order, I like people to feel comfortable in my home and I want my husband to be happy with his lot. However, because of this, things that aren't quite right or that are broken and need fixing drive me mad while hubby doesn't really worry about it. This can cause tension because I am often seen to be nagging if I mention anything that needs attention more than once. Also, because DIY is not our thing I know that getting someone that we don't know in to fix little bits and pieces leaves us open to being taken advantage of and so, rather than that happen, we put things off and gradually things get worse and cost more to fix.

I'm a daughter - both of my parents are dead. I have a step dad and a step mum that I rarely see or have any contact with. I feel guilty about this but yet I know that it's just life and how things are. We all have our own lives and we get on with them the best we can. My affection is not affected by how often I see people.

I'm a sister - I have brothers and sisters who I rarely see or speak to and this bothers me a lot and yet I STILL don't pick up the phone to ask how they are doing. Why? I love them all and I'd die for them. I think about them all the time and I'd be there in a flash if they needed be but, again, they all have their own lives and families and, goodness knows, I know how time consuming that can be. I feel guilty about this.

I'm a mum - I have four children and six grandchildren. That means that there are 10 humans who are a result of me being alive, 10 humans who, I hope, see me as an important person in their lives, 10 humans that I love beyond measure. Trying to split myself into pieces so that I can be all things to all of those 10 humans is becoming more and more difficult as I struggle to keep all of them happy. I do really try but I often don't get it right.

I know that I will always be feeling guilty about something no matter how much I am told that I shouldn't and that I should put myself first. I have been putting everyone before me for my whole life so I don't think that's going to change very much but what I must do more often is think about how things affect ME, how my expectations of myself can make me feel guilty. I have written before about saying 'no' more often but it's difficult when all you want to do is make someone happy or make their day easier. People don't think any less of you for saying 'no' or, if they do, they don't deserve you in their lives to be honest.

However, I am fully aware of how lucky I am and how fortunate I am to have my life and my health. I am blessed with a wonderful family, loyal friends and a very patient husband! My issues are for me to sort out and for me to overcome or live with.

I just typed 'I apologise for the emo diatribe'... but actually I don't apologise for any of what I have just typed. It's me, they are my words and it's how I feel! This is my blog and I can really put anything I feel like in it.

Until next time you lovely lot.

xxxx

Scary Times. Family Times. Happy Times.

Where does the time go? I had no idea that I last blogged here when we were still on holiday. The hols and the sunshine seem very far off as I sit here in the gloom of 6.30pm in not so sunny Hampshire. I have a cardi on....and socks too as my feet have got so cold. I kid you not.

I need to get my horror of the events last night in Nice out of the way. I cannot comprehend how anyone would think it was a remotely just or right thing to do to drive a large lorry at speed in a congested pedestrianised area after a large celebration where families were enjoying fireworks and fun. To then deliberately target innocent adults and children by swerving along in the lorry in an attempt to cause as much death and destruction as possible for more than a mile is abhorrent.
No-one will ever be able to explain to me how this is acceptable. I can't imagine that anyone would ever try. I just feel scared for us all - for the world and for our children. Who knows where it will end? If, indeed, there ever will be an end to it which seems unlikely any time soon from where I am sitting.
I remember the Dunblane massacre. I had young children at the time. I remember trying to explain to them what had happened as they saw snippets of the tragedy on the news headlines. I felt the same after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. It was impossible to explain to my children then why anyone would want to hurt and kill so many innocent people. I am glad that I don't have to try to do the same thing today. My children are grown, some with children of their own who will ask questions and want answers.

Then, of course, there has been the fallout from the referendum and the decision to leave the EU. British politics is in a state of turmoil that is for sure. A new (female) prime minister, the Labour party bickering amongst themselves, Boris J going to ground after leading the exit campaign and then emerging as a key player in Mrs. May's new government, MP's putting themselves forward in various leadership campaigns only to withdraw due to misconstrued comments, George Osborne being sacked. The world is a scarey place just now.

On a personal note though, and what this blog is all about really, I have had a busy week again.
Last Saturday youngest daughter and I took part in a 5km Pretty Muddy event organised by Cancer Research. I usually do a Race For Life event each year and this year encouraged my newly slimmed down and much more confident girl to try it with me.
I have always wanted to do one of the obstacle course/muddy runs for some reason. Mad, I know.
We both completed the event and had a good time. Well, I did! It was fun and a challenge and I loved it.

That evening two of our granddaughters came to stay for the night and then the next day we had a family barbecue. The weather was dodgy but came good in the afternoon and a good time was had by all, even by my middle daughter who started her Sunday by running a 10km in London raising funds for CLAPA (cleft lip and palate association) in less than an hour. Brilliant!
It was also only the second time that all of the grandchildren have been together so it was a very special time. I have more pics but can't locate them at the moment but when I do I will add them.

Monday morning saw a trip to the eye clinic with the twins as Phoebe had an eye test. As predicted, short sight was diagnosed but I don't think any of us needed a visit to the hospital to tell us that. A referral has been made to Great Ormond Street children's hospital where they, apparently, have much more sophisticated equipment to give a more accurate diagnosis and where Phoebe's health issues can be monitored.

On Tuesday, Phoebe came to stay overnight which was lovely. She was as good as gold. Now that there is no feeding tube to deal with and now she is taking a bottle so well (most of the time anyway!) everything is so much easier. As hubby was away she even had to come with me on the dog walks which was interesting.

All this and so much more besides including sore throats for lots of us, possible chicken pox about, work woes, Pokemon Go, Phoebs being signed off by the community nurses as she is doing well without the tube, the offer of a housing association flat and wedding dress shopping. Never a dull moment. Oh, and both Phoebe and Sam have rolled over too!

I'll leave with you with a few pics of the week.

Take care and see you soon.

xxxxx